


same as it ever was

by irradiated



Category: Vast Error
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Developing Friendship, Other, Psychological Trauma, Temporary Character Death, good ending, implied self harm, time loops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24044524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irradiated/pseuds/irradiated
Summary: letting the days go by, let the water hold you down
Relationships: Ellsee Raines & Murrit Turkin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 71





	same as it ever was

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this fic was written completely on a spur-of-the-moment idea that ended up being Much Longer than i originally intended LMAO. do mind the content warnings, though i try to keep the worst of it brief and ultimately this is a recovery fic. come follow my twitter @/dismurrit and please leave a comment if you have any thoughts thank you (:

There's always a point during the night where everything seems to freeze. Your usually buzzing notifications go quiet, and the atmosphere starts to feel eerily lonely. Almost as if you're the only one left alive. This is your least favorite hour, and it inexplicably happens on a daily basis, sometimes even more than once. At the very least, you've learned to not let it get to you. You sometimes even take it as an opportunity to space out while you wander around aimlessly; your own weird sort of therapy.

Your stream of consciousness tends to go wherever it wants without any sort of direction. You’re thinking about how unproductive you’ve been for one minute, then somehow it drifts into vividly remembering specific scenes of a movie you watched three sweeps ago, all the while you’ve got six different songs stuck in your head that keep morphing into each other. To a normal person this probably sounds like a nightmare. You actually enjoy it. Your brain being wired to only think about complete nonsense leaves no room for personal introspection, and you’d like to keep it that way.

Your wandering is cut a little bit short this time. Every step you take is laborious, forcing you to lean up against the walls as your feet lazily drag over the floor. You don’t remember the last time you got a full day’s rest. Or slept at all, really — though that’s certainly just another aspect of neurodivergency fucking over your perception of the passage of time. It’s funny that you can barely keep track of an hour passing by, yet are named the universe’s sole Hero of Time. That’s a pretty funny trick to play on god. It couldn't have been very long, though. Certainly you're not a _complete_ mess.

But needless to say, you're just a few minutes from passing out entirely. You've given in to your pathetic mortal body's demands this time. Now seems as good a time as any to actually crawl into the 'coon instead of simply dropping down on the first soft surface you see. Not like anybody is having urgent problems right now; you can stand to take your eyes off your camera feed for a few hours.

You almost trip even walking to the damn thing, but you manage to crawl in without causing unnecessary injury to yourself. You clap twice in quick succession, and all the lights go dim. Not that you really need to be in the dark to sleep, it just feels nice.

You're starting to feel relaxed for once, buoyant in the cold slime. It's all... quiet. In a good way. A comforting silence that feels somewhat warm and very pleasant, lifting a pressure off your shoulders and sifting tension out of your head. You fall asleep dreamlessly, your mind at ease. 

That is, until

TICK

You don't wake up the same way you fell asleep. There's a jarring difference in your surroundings that you can feel even with your eyes shut; for one, you're definitely not floating in slime anymore. Your back aches like you've been working for hours at a time with no respite, which it definitely wouldn't if you'd slept in your 'coon the whole day. _Something_ isn't right here.

You open your eyes wearily, to find that you've woken up in the same position you did about three nights ago. Sprawled over a mess of partially deflated beanbags and novelty blankets, phone clutched in one hand and a cigarette lighter in the other, because you just like to live that dangerously. Or, that was your thought process then. You wouldn't have done that yesterday.

You sit up, eyes darting around the surrounding room. Nothing appears to be wrong, not that you can see. Slowly creeping down the halls and peeking into your other useless rooms doesn’t reveal anything, either. 

You _know_ something’s wrong. Something is _terribly_ wrong and you’re either dreaming, or delusional, or both, and the only good option is the one least likely to be occurring. You give yourself a slap on the arm just to test, and, yep, this is real and happening and probably awful. Or going to be.

There’s an acute gravity pushing down at the back of your head, the weight of how much trouble you could be in. Potentially, you’re in an uncontrollable situation, which is certainly not ideal for the sake of your sanity. You could be _trapped_ in something much bigger than yourself with no way out. It’s all at once claustrophobic and way too empty to describe.

Alright, okay, deep breaths. You’re not going to panic. The “new Murrit” isn’t one that sits around and anguishes while shit hits the fan, no. You’re going to figure out exactly what’s happening and get out of it as fast as possible, that’s what. And you definitely don’t need any help in doing so.

A little asking around couldn't hurt, though.

You open up the Skorpe app on your barely-surviving phone you haven’t charged for a 24-hour cycle, blinking blearily at the screen. If your suspicions are correct and the events of today are the same as they were 3 days ago, you’re going to get a message from your main buddy Laivan sometime in the next hour asking if you want to fuck around on those ancient and dying browser games. That means he’s definitely awake by now, and may or may not be able to reaffirm the fact that you’re starting to go in a loop.

\-- unclaspedKahuna [UK] began trolling windlessArtificer [WA] \--  
  
UK: >([alrite alrite alrig#t okay ok]  
UK: >([its surprize questionnaire time r u fuckin reddy]  
WA: Huh- What-  
WA: I just woke up-  
WA: What am I going to have to- answer to-  
WA: I didn’t study-  
UK: >([nut#in #arder t#an ur own #omey cavernous walls my friend]  
WA: That’s still pretty hard- I mean-  
WA: It’s like solid rock-?  
UK: >([semantics s#emantics]  
UK: >([merely a turn of p#rase i dont wanna discourage ya]  
WA: Can I use notes on this quiz-  
UK: >([if u fail a 1 question quiz you never took any notes 2 begin wit#]  
WA: Is it multiple choice-  
UK: >([yes yea# it is]  
UK: >([now quit yappin an lissen w#en t#e got dam teac#ers talkin] UK: >([y/n are you goin 2 ask me 2 indulge in t#e deepest recesses of world wide web interactives wit# u]  
WA: Wow- it’s like you read my mind-  
UK: >([i c i c...]  
WA: Those are my favorite letters- how did you know-  
WA: Anyways- is that a yes or a no-  
WA: Because I still want to play some games-  
UK: >([somet#in just came up n i gotta sweep up t#e as#es and #ide t#e body yknow w#at im sayin]  
WA: I do- unless you’re alluding to an actual murder-  
WA: I hope you’re not-  
WA: That would be pretty fucked up if true- haha-  
  
  
\-- unclaspedKahuna [UK] ceased trolling windlessArtificer [WA] \--  
  
WA: Hello-?

Well, you’ve got good news and bad news, and the good news is it’s all bad news from here on out, until you find a way to break the cycle. Or even figure out how you got into it in the first place, for that matter. That would be pretty great too. Might even be what you need to get out!

Your chest feels a bit tighter than usual, but that’s fine. You’re well aware it’s just a stress response and will probably go away as soon as you brainstorm some solutions. The first thing that comes to your head is to run throughout your schedule from the past few days and figure out if absolutely anything you did could’ve been a catalyst for something like this, and you realize that you really don't fucking do anything at all.

Not anything actually important or productive, at least. You've only spent your time teaching yourself useless hobbies and bothering people on a constant basis. One of these people in particular being Dismas, who you've admittedly been more attached to than usual lately for reasons unbeknownst to you — and who complained quite a bit that your antics had gotten in the way of something he was trying to do.

Maybe that was it. Maybe whatever denizen governs your aspect is trying to teach you a lesson in dependency, trying to wane away the clinginess inherent to your persona. You get this idea in your head that, if you don’t change something vital and important, you’re not going to go back to the way time is supposed to be.

Well, you'll show them. If anyone is a master of quick thinking and easy solutions for big problems, it’s you. Practically your expertise. You’re going to stick to your gut, and your gut says to stop annoying your partner and let him do whatever it is he’s about to do.

Your shoulders relax as you exhale. There's a sense of certainty easing into your mind; you know this is a problem solved and a job well done, even if you haven't quite gotten to the end result yet. But there's hardly ever a situation that _isn't_ in your complete control, so you find it safe enough to say that everything is working out just fine.

...You do make sure to keep an eye on him every so often, though. You didn't install those cameras for nothing.

The day arrives and you've been designing puzzles for yourself all night, stuck in that dreaded hyperfocus trance that keeps you from switching tasks. Your attention completely dropped off once you noticed the time, however, and you realize just how long it's been since you ate or rested or did absolutely anything to take basic care of yourself (not that you do any of that regardless, but _still._ The concern is there).

You're not interested in sleep just yet, though. You get a can of something caffeinated and generically-produced on your way back down to your computer room, eyes fixing themselves immediately upon the array of screens you’ve become so familiar with.

They're all asleep, as you expected. Aside from Arcjec, whose chronically erratic sleep schedule almost manages to surprise you sometimes; and your partner. Who doesn't even appear to be in his own hive.

That's... a bit concerning, but you _did_ say you weren't going to meddle with him. That being said, you at least want to make sure he's out of the way of any serious danger.

You roll your chair over to your drone control panel and glide one through the canyon. It's lovely during the day, you'll say. The gentle pink of the sky makes the dusty cliffs seem much more benevolent and peaceful than what they truly contain. A harsh landscape of dry heat and violence. A prison for one you hold dear.

After panning around the area for a few minutes, you spot him at the mouth of a cave, testing the surroundings for any danger of rockslides. You remember the last time he got caught in one of those, poor fool could barely stand for wices. He always makes it out alive no matter what he gets himself into, though. Miraculously. 

_Why_ he's checking out here at this time of day completely eludes you; last you checked, he preferred to stay indoors whenever possible, especially when the sun is out. Says the sun fucks with his eyes too much to be tolerable. Nevertheless, there he is.

His head snaps up in alarm, turning towards your camera with a wide-eyed glare that quickly shifts into the usual irritated glance. You stay still, hands gripping the controls with an anxious tenacity. Your knuckles nearly go white from the tension.

After a brief staring contest, he decides you're obviously not going to make any first moves whatsoever this time, and goes back to inspecting the mouth of the cave. Probably none of your business, just out of the ordinary. The drone goes into autopilot mode, and you're off on your way.

You get a new message on the final night of the loop, or what you assume to have been the final night. Either way, you've been pretty good at not fucking with messages for the past few nights, and this being one you didn't expect, you feel more inclined to check.

\-- gigantisDebilitation [GD] began trolling unclaspedKahuna [UK] \--  
  
GD: Wh/\t is with the sudden r/\dio silence?///  
GD: I know you’\/e been spying on me///  
GD: Like you /\lw/\ys h/\\\/e the h/\bit of doing///  
GD: But seriously, it’s st/\rting to get fucking weird without you pestering me const/\ntly///  
UK: >([is a fella not permitted 2 lay back w#en #e pleases]  
UK: >([dont fucken @ me im c#illin]  
GD: You don’t do /\nything other th/\n th/\t///  
GD: But... I h/\\\/e something to tell you///  
UK: >([we’re alreddy married sugarlumps w#at r u gunna do, gimme anot#a ring?]  
GD: Why the hell would I do th/\t?///  
GD: I w/\s _going_ to s/\y; I fin/\lly got the high ground on my prehistoric p/\l from hell///  
GD: He’s... de/\d///  
UK: >([o# s#it]  
UK: >([good job buckeroo i always #ad t#e fait# youd get #is ass in a meat grinder]  
GD: I thought I would be much more excited /\bout it///  
GD: But I think I’m just... re/\lly fucking lost now///  
UK: >([cant say im surprised in t#e least bit]  
UK: >([ur tunnel visions so rock-bottom its a #oly grail miracle you can even see at all]  
GD: _H/\ h/\\.///_  
GD: Th/\t’s /\ll from me though, for now///  
GD: You’re not my moirail and all I w/\nt to do right now is l/\y out my sob story on somebody’s shoulders///  
GD: Just thought I would... bre/\k the news?///  
GD: Unless you /\lre/\dy s/\w the e\/ents t/\king pl/\ce on your stupid \/oyeuristic m/\chines, in which c/\se, this con\/ers/\tion is null///  
UK: >([acks#ully didnt t#is time w#ic# is a damn s#ame indeed]  
UK: >([woulda made a spectactualr finale 2 t#e 11 part series of masterfully edited lizard-on-twink #ate crime compilations]  
GD: One point for me then///  
  
  
\-- gigantisDebilitation [GD] ceased trolling unclaspedKahuna [UK] \--

Consider yourself _fucking satisfied._ Couldn’t have gone better, if you do say so yourself. With all this pride elating you, you feel like there’s nothing more well-earned than a nice kick-back and relax for the rest of the night and day; you can figure out exactly what the plans for the future are tomorrow.

But that... doesn’t end up happening after you fall asleep again.

TOCK

You're back at square one on that miserable beanbag pile. Mild anger runs its course through your veins; you could've _sworn_ that was the way out, but the universe seems to have more in store for you than that. 

Maybe a little meddling couldn't hurt, then. You're going to pry even harder this time, that should do the trick. You hope. You're not giving up yet, not anytime soon.

You get up again. You're not quite sure what you're going to do to start the day; messaging Laivan again just sounds utterly boring to you. Turns out having a seemingly infinite amount of time to do whatever you want isn't always as fun as you think it will be.

You take a look at your surveillance feedback instead, see what everyone is up to. Usual wakeup routine, it seems. You've noted in the past that Serpaz in particular has an awful habit of sleeping in until midnight or later, and lo and behold, she's still repeating that pattern. Not much else worthy of mention, though. Just normal, boring, day-to-day life and shit. Shit you've already seen three times now.

You ought to start counting these somewhere, in case your solution ends up not working and you're stuck thinking of new ones for a while. Not sure who you'd even boast about it to, if you find yourself racking up a large tally. Who the hell would even believe you?

With your head rested on the palm of your hand, arm propped up lazily, you find your gaze drifting to the leftmost corner of your feed. The covered screen. You get the feeling that _she_ might have something to do with this, given her background and what she's capable of pulling off. But it's unlikely, you hope. You're the designated time guy, not her. If anyone is the fuckup today, it's absolutely you.

Your eyes dart away, settling on Laivan, who just finished getting ready for the night and is heading to his desktop. You anticipate the message notification coming your way, dismissing it and choosing not to answer. You don't have any interest in playing those stupid games again, nor do you want to attempt explaining to him exactly what's going on with you. You're content with the self-imposed isolation for now.

You do, however, load up your message history with Dismas. Noting the lack of messages from the previous cycle’s conversation, but that should’ve been pretty obvious already.

unclaspedKahuna [UK] began trolling gigantisDebilitation [GD] \--  
  
UK: >([#eyyy baby #oneybuns sweettart i couldnt #elp but notice u got urself in a p toug# spot betwixt a rock and a #arder rock yesterday] UK: >([left ya on a muc# more literal use of t#e word cliff#anger yea?]

You see him lying face down on his beaten couch, clearly trying to sleep off some nasty back pain, groaning with an intense annoyance when he feels the buzzing in his pocket.

GD: You do this shit to me /\nd h/\\\/e the fucking /\ud/\city to come glo/\t /\bout it?///  
GD: You disgust me, you weird little fre/\k///  
UK: >([little u say? pretty one-hundo percent certain of t#a fact t#at im not t#e one measuring at t#e staggerin monument of 5'2" lololol]  
GD: \/ery funny /\nd origin/\l te/\se, /\sshole///  
GD: Where'd you get th/\t one, huh? The bl/\ck m/\rket for sm/\rt people with \/igorously underused jokes /\nd highly m/\ture senses of humor? Fuck OFF///  
GD: I /\m sensiti\/e /\bout th/\t /\nd you KNOW it///  
GD: /\lso, if you couldn’t re/\d between the lines of my bl/\t/\ntly ob\/ious s/\rc/\sm, it isn’t funny in the slightest///  
UK: >([cant #ear u from alllll t#e way down t#ere plus you got a lot more in ur arsenal t#at you consider sensitive LMFAO]  
GD: You know wh/\t, Murrit? I'm not going to h/\\\/e this tod/\y!///  
GD: I’m too busy /\nd c/\ught up in my own bliss to let you ruin it this time///  
UK: >([w#oa woa# wait #old t#e #orses p#ones]  
UK: >([mr dark n gloom and all edge? blissful?]  
UK: >([well number my parts and color me surprised! you must be up 2 somet#in larger t#an life arentc#a]  
UK: >([if t#is is #ow t#e tables are turning]  
UK: >([#idin a damn genius sc#eme from me like t#e brig#t season lop-ear #ides its #ard-s#elled offspring]  
GD: I /\m! /\nd guess fucking wh/\t!///  
GD: I’m not telling you /\ny of it this time///  
GD: There /\re some things you don’t get to stick your prying eyes into /\nd this is one of them///  
GD: I h/\\\/e it /\ll in my he/\d, /\nd unless you’\/e suddenly g/\ined the /\bility to re/\d minds, you get ZERO /\ccess///  
UK: >([suuuper diggin this attitude spike you got goin for u]  
UK: >([i formally bestow upon you t#e #IG#EST ac#ievement award of "damn t#is bitc# stood up for #imself"]  
UK: >([i #ope youre s#owin off t#ose pearly w#ite bear trap jaws off 4 t#e crowd]  
UK: >([look at em c#eerin]  
GD: I don't need your h/\lf-/\ssed perform/\ti\/e /\ppro\//\l///  
GD: Just st/\y out of my w/\y///  
UK: >([no guarantees boss]  
GD: Don't c/\re///  
GD: Didn't /\sk///  
UK: >([plus im an annoyin nuisance and a lying fraud yap yap yap we get it jerky stix t#is is everyday 9 to 5 routine]  
GD: Ugh///  
GD: Just go bother somebody else for once, would you?///  
GD: The group memo is right there, loud /\nd cle/\r /\nd re/\dy for you to fuck right off to///  
UK: >([now w#y dont u tell me w#ere t#e fun in t#at is?]  
UK: >([my peepers are wide open and i do not see it!]  
GD: Good _bye,_ Murrit.///  
UK: >([booooooo]  
  
\-- unclaspedKahuna [UK] ceased trolling gigantisDebilitation [GD] \--

You're still completely in the dark on exactly what he's doing, but... it's fine. You'll find out later. It doesn’t matter what his plan is, as long as you can determine whether or not it’s important to you not being trapped in an endless nightmare. Which means you’re going to see through the different outcomes by process of elimination and good ol’ reliable trial and error. It might not even be your one way ticket to freedom after all, you don’t know anything yet.

You really, _really_ hate not knowing things.

He's reminded you that there is a group chat the twelve of you have had for a while, which you just kept muted for the sake of avoiding unwanted attention from the wicked witch of the middle of the woods. You're pretty sure it's mostly defunct anyways, though. Not like enough happens around here for it to be talked about.

Still, you make a note to check in sometime. See what everyone's saying. Maybe it'll give you some more clues on what you're meant to do to escape, if the situation becomes dire.

You've got it all under control.

Night two of indulging in useless hobbies involves the reading of scripts to old plays you found online. You consider yourself a pretty competent voice actor, if not a master of impressions, no matter how dumb they might be in retrospect.

But it gets boring pretty quickly. It's no fun if you're just sitting there by yourself, pretending to find it entertaining. 

You check on your feedback again. Just like last time. Boring as hell too. _Nothing to do, nothing to do._ You're a waste of space, and time. You might as well sleep for a while, just to pass some hours before you decide what exactly your plan is. 

...Haha. _What a fucking joke._ Premeditated plans don't exist on your wavelength. No, you just wanted an excuse not to be conscious and bored out of your goddamn skull. But you don't need one. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

You don't get involved in anything until the sun sets and the final night arrives. You position your drone discretely out of sight and watch as Dismas appears to hide something just behind the cave's entrance, though you can't make out exactly what. He darts around the canyon like a stray cat, getting the attention of his sorry excuse of a kidnapper who of course starts barreling towards him with a fury unseen by most. Business as usual, though very hectic and dangerous.

You keep your finger on the weaponry trigger just in case he needs emergency backup, and your mouth contorts into a sneer. He seems to have it under control for now, though, leading his lusus into the cave he supposedly baited. It crawls up onto the rocks, tempted by whatever was inside the cave, and Dismas jumps away at just the moment before he's completely inside, pulling down a rope on the side of a cave that appears to be attached to a small mechanism.

The rock above the cave collapses in an instant, triggering a rockslide that practically entombs the massive fucking lizard that was stupid enough to wander right into it. Excitement catches your trigger-happy finger off guard as you root for his success, a long-rage projectile firing off from the drone faster than you have time to panic.

The projectile knocks the built-up mechanism out of place and causes another rupture in what would be a completely stable bed of rocks. They begin to tumble again, catching Dismas by surprise. A direct hit to the head as he failed to get away in time, then burying him completely in a pile of boulders and rubble that continues to grow for a few seconds more, until there are no more rocks to fall.

Then silence. The dust clears, and there is no sign that there was anyone ever in the area. You’ve seen him go through some awful shit, but there’s no way he survived something like _that._

Your mouth is agape in shock, your eyes the size of dinner plates. Your hands can't stop shaking and you think you felt something in your chest go... _wrong._ Somehow. An indescribable, all-consuming, _hollowing_ feeling of dread and horror and anguish over how fucking stupid you have been.

Your stomach lurches with nausea and you barely have time to react before you vomit all over the floor. It doesn’t even _register_ to you that you just threw up out of complete shock, you just curl up on yourself and lay completely dormant. You can’t feel your body anymore. You can’t even _think._

Static. Numbness. _Cold._

TICK

And then a few hours later, you wake up again. Where you started.

...Okay. That was a less than pleasant experience, but you don't exactly want to dwell on it for any longer than you have to in order to... process it. You may have just watched your bondmate fucking _die_ but he's definitely alive again now, no thanks to your freaky time antics. Or whatever is controlling the loops.

This puts you in the fourth loop thus far. Something you consider the break of a threshold; after all, three's a crowd and a magic number. Not as magic as the double-digit one, but certainly worthy of note.

You sit up. You don't feel like doing anything to get ready for the night, even if it involves wearing your contacts or not smelling like a fucking campfire had an affair with with the nearest soda processing plant. There’s no point; nothing you’ve done so far has mattered, why would it now?

You watch as your chest rises and falls for a few moments, with great relief that you don’t feel that weird emptiness you felt before time reset. You almost wish you could cry, just to let it out. Your head hurts as if it’s full. Full of what, exactly? You’re not entirely sure. Just that there’s a tension that won’t go away without some assistance.

Instinctively, you check your phone, opening up the group chat you've neglected. Walls upon walls of lime green text freaking out about something likely super dumb and useless. You don't have the energy to find out.

No, you know what? You're not slipping into this mindset so early. You can do this, you've got to _experiment._ This ordeal gives you plenty of opportunities to do things you definitely won't get to do without dying for real, since apparently, you can come back from the dead. And you're going to try them all; knock everything out on your bucket list just to give you an extra kick of excitement before you try solving your current puzzle again.

Fucking _genius_ decision on your part. First things first, you've always wanted to know — how does it feel to be in the ocean? What's even down there? Well, you know vaguely of what its toxic vastness contains, but you’ve never laid your own eyes on it firsthand. That uncertainty is the type that excites you more than anything.

You've never gotten out of bed faster, immediately darting out and down onto the island with bare feet and less than half an outfit on. The inky blackness of the toiling ocean isn't exactly _enticing,_ but if there's one thing you can't stop yourself from doing, it's the need to know absolutely everything. 

You put a foot forward into the water, recoiling at the sensation. It feels fucking awful, but you have nothing left to lose and all the time to kill. You take a deep breath and run in, drenching yourself in ice-cold radioactive garbage water.

Opening your eyes in an attempt to see anything does nothing but cause you agonizing pain and _actual_ blindness. Fun. The thing you were most looking forward to is now completely ruined due to your lack of forethought. You're literally on death row right now, staring down the gallows with eyes that no longer function. Not as cool as you thought it would be.

You back out onto the shore. Uneventful, but this stuff apparently kills people very slowly and painfully, so you'll just have to wait a few days to see how delusional you'll become. Hell, that might not even be enough time for something interesting to happen.

You attempt to feel your way back inside, stumbling blindly as you grasp at walls. It's a real shame you set up an arsenal of literal fucking death traps right outside your door, which you can't see for _obvious_ reasons. It’s just bad luck that you happen to trigger one that practically snaps your spine in half in an instant.

TOCK

You wake up again. Loop five. That was surprisingly boring — you really thought a marine expedition was your ticket to a baller funeral and one hell of an interesting eulogy. _“Here lies Murrit Turkin, jumped into the ocean for no fucking reason and then died. Absolute legend of a man.”_

You... actually don’t think you want to know what people would think or say after you died. It’s a good thing there’s no way to find out.

You'll have to move on to the next trials of your own making.

The dungeon has a lot of crazy-ass maneuvers you usually manage to pull off, but you've kind of always wanted to see what happens if you let yourself fail. A twisted sort of fantasy, sure, but one you’ve thought about plenty nonetheless. If you were to meet your maker down there for real, it would be days before anyone even found out. Awfully morbid, isn’t it?

You don't remember most of what you programmed into that damn labyrinth — all you know is it's a spectacular display of neon lights and the splattering of your own blood. Definitely a much cooler way to die than blinding yourself with shit water and completely missing a very obvious trap.

Something to keep you occupied, then. You shuffle up the rooms a bit to give you something completely unexpected, then head down to the dungeon’s corridors.

In the very first room you find yourself in, you turned right instead of left, which you know is the path with the tripwire. The tripwire triggers a massive thwomp looking mechanism to crush you down into the floor, breaking all of your bones at once and reducing you to a pathetic smear on the ground. Honestly a lot more exhilarating; quick and relatively painless, except for the brief moment you heard the crunching of your body all around you before it all went black. Pure bliss, you'll say.

TICK

Loop six. Toxic gas flooding the chamber you locked yourself into. Not fun. Very painful. _And_ slow.

TOCK

Loop seven. Mortally wounded by an extremely sharp swinging axe. Bleeding out has never been more fucking dull.

TICK

Loop eight. Decapitation. Shockingly quick.

TOCK

On loop nine you can hardly breathe even before you get the chance to sit up. You take that as a warning sign that you should definitely slow down with the whole _"how many ways can I possibly die"_ thing. And, on second thought, it’s _maybe_ not the best idea to begin with. You’re finally taking the variables into consideration and you don’t like what the odds would be if you had a limited amount of loops to go and ended up offing yourself on the last one. Patience works much better in your favor. Despite it all, you don't really want to _stay_ dead.

You stand and walk into the bathroom, taking a look at yourself in the mirror. You look like shit. Not surprising, but pretty depressing to see. You decide you loathe your reflection and you’ll be dead before you look at it again.

The house is empty. Cluttered, but empty. You know what they say about someone’s living space reflecting a lot about the person who resides in it?

God, it is too early to be having an existential crisis. You rub your eyes; they burn with exhaustion, but that isn’t new. You’re going to need to dig harder if you want out of this. There has to be something more to it than the one thing you’re fixating on — it would be rather useful to take your own advice in regards to tunnel vision.

Your train of thought comes to a halt quickly. There's a loud buzzing in your pocket, one that doesn't cease. Alarming, considering you're not supposed to get any messages for another few minutes, and certainly not this many. Whatever is happening, it's begging for your attention, and it's very much out of the ordinary.

You don't like what you see when you fumble your phone out of your pocket.

\-- existereOracle [EO] began trolling unclaspedKahuna [UK] \--  
  
EO: Oh I KNOW this is all YOUR fault¡¡¡¡ I'vΣ caught your thiΣf ass RΣD FUCKING HANDΣD¡¡¡  
EO: If you'rΣ ΣvΣn still ALIVΣ aftΣr all of THAT  
EO: I havΣ somΣ prΣtty fucking important quΣstions, timΣ mΣistΣr¡¡¡  
EO: You bΣttΣr havΣ a good Σxplanation¡¡¡

Lovely. Just _fantastic._ What you really needed on what's already becoming a miserable trip to hell was little miss evil demonic monster hitching a ride in your passenger seat.

You put on your best scowl as you type.

UK: >([what in the goddamn fuck are you talking about]  
UK: >([i haven't done shit. i want nothing to do with you, get the fuck out.]  
EO: Oh I think you did somΣthing, alright¡  
EO: WHO ΣLSΣ DO I KNOW THAT'S SUPPOSΣDLY ABLΣ TO MANIPULATΣ THΣ ASPΣCT OF TIMΣ¿¿  
EO: GΣΣ, I DUNNO¡¡ RΣAL BIG FUCKING MYSTΣRY¡¡¡  
UK: >([that isn’t how it works in the slightest.]  
EO: And if THAT wasn't Σnough to kΣΣp you satΣd, I'll havΣ you know somΣthing prΣtty spΣctactular in addition¡¡  
EO: You kΣΣp gΣtting yoursΣlf killΣd, and ΣVΣRY TIMΣ, WITHOUT FAIL  
EO: I CAN FUCKING FΣΣL IT¡¡¡ You might think thΣy'rΣ painlΣss and quick and maybΣ ΣvΣn FUN if you'rΣ _insanΣ_ Σnough.  
EO: But lΣt mΣ tΣll you. It is NONΣ of thosΣ things.  
EO: Your actions arΣ putting MΣ in AGONIZING PAIN thanks to thΣsΣ USΣLΣSS CHOSΣN-ONΣ LIFΣ POWΣRS.  
EO: AND YOU KΣΣP COMING BACK¡¡¡ WHAT THΣ _FUCK¡¡¡_  
UK: >([you think i can control what’s happening? you think i’m not well aware of my own helplessness?]  
UK: >([i'm positive the reason i'm being thrown into an endless cycle is _you._ ]  
UK: >([none of this is my fucking fault.]  
EO: _RΣally_ now.  
EO: WhosΣ fault is it thΣn¿¿ BΣcausΣ I havΣn’t thΣ first fucking cluΣ as to how I would pull somΣthing likΣ THIS.   
EO: And WHY do you kΣΣp committing suicidΣ likΣ it's your fucking JOB¿¿¿  
UK: >([i've been _trying_ to figure out what the hell i'm supposed to do to break the loop. definitely much more than you've attempted, i'm sure.]  
UK: >([because as far as i'm fucking concerned, the only plausible reason i could be in this mess turned out to be completely obsolete once tested.]  
UK: >([nothing i am trying is turning up any green lights, so that leaves it up to you.]  
UK: >([the only other person who could _possibly_ be responsible.]  
EO: No. WAY.  
EO: I havΣn’t donΣ ANYTHING to Σarn whatΣvΣr thΣ hΣll this is¡¡¡  
UK: >([and what exactly makes you think that i _did?_ ]  
EO: You’re a pathological liar and a complΣtΣ CRΣΣP with a murdΣrous strΣak to go with it.  
EO: You triΣd to kill mΣ¡¡¡¡ SΣvΣral timΣs, in fact.  
EO: And how many things havΣ you ΣvΣn TRIΣD that didn’t involvΣ dying violΣnt dΣaths for thΣ shΣΣr thrill of it¿¿¿¿  
EO: ThΣrΣ’s only bΣΣn what, likΣ, thrΣΣ loops that didn’t immΣdiatΣly Σnd in your doom¿¿ AbsolutΣly no way you’vΣ triΣd it all.  
UK: >([look, there was only two possible outcomes that weren’t what i had already done the first time. either i leave my partner’s business alone and let him kill his dad, or i fuck up and get _him_ killed instead.]  
UK: >([i’m not going to risk _that_ one again.]  
EO: ThΣn simplΣ¡¡ The solution has nothing to do with that.  
EO: SomΣthing as complΣx as a day in thΣ lifΣ of anyonΣ is bound to havΣ morΣ than two fucking dΣcisions to makΣ.  
EO: GΣt out of your damn comfort zonΣ alrΣady. Start digging¡¡  
UK: >([i hate to break it to you devil princess, but there isn’t anything else for me to even go off of for a fucking reference. nothing ever happens around here, and especially not to me.]  
UK: >([and don’t even think of suggesting we work together, because it’s NOT happening.]  
EO: Don’t you havΣ much biggΣr prioritiΣs to worry about than kΣΣping up with this nΣΣdlΣss pΣttinΣss¿¿¿¿ I’vΣ nΣvΣr donΣ anything to you.  
EO: WΣ arΣ both stuck in thΣ samΣ boat hΣrΣ.  
UK: >([i can wait out this storm as long as i have to. i don’t have to fix something that isn’t my problem.]  
EO: WHAT DO YOU _MΣAN_ “NOT YOUR PROBLΣM”¿¿¿¿¿¿  
EO: IT’S AS MUCH YOUR PROBLΣM AS IT IS MINΣ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡  
UK: >([i am about this close to putting the metaphorical phone back into the receiver and smashing it to unrecognizability.]  
UK: >([unless you have anything constructive to say that isn’t putting all of the blame on me in an entirely capitalized lexicon, i suggest quitting while you’re ahead.]  
EO: That is, almost vΣrbatim, _Σxactly_ what you’rΣ doing to mΣ.  
EO: And I’m not going to blamΣ you if it’s not in your control¡¡¡¡ WΣ may bΣ star-crossΣd ΣnΣmiΣs but at lΣast I havΣ a god damn SOUL.  
EO: I would prΣfΣr us to makΣ odds and Σnds mΣΣt and put thΣ past bΣhind us for thΣ sakΣ of gΣtting thΣ fuck out of hΣrΣ as fast as possiblΣ.  
EO: You arΣn’t making thΣ situation any ΣasiΣr by rΣfusing contact.  
UK: >([as much as that sounds _enticing?_ ]  
UK: >([thanks, but no fucking thanks.]  
EO: UGH.  
EO: I am not asking you to bΣ my dΣarΣst friΣnd for lifΣ, I am mΣrΣly asking for you to hΣlp your god damn SΣLF. It is _pΣrfΣctly_ finΣ by mΣ if wΣ do not say a word to Σach othΣr aftΣr it’s ovΣr, but right now, dΣspΣratΣ timΣs call for dΣspΣratΣ mΣasurΣs.  
UK: >([this is nowhere near desperate.]  
EO: YΣT.  
EO: It could ΣASILY gΣt worsΣ and you arΣ making dΣcisions that arΣ indΣΣd accomplishing that.  
UK: >([if the world isn’t ending and nobody is dying, i’m fine by waiting it out in the other room.]  
UK: >([now if you’ll excuse me!]  
  
\-- unclaspedKahuna [UK] has blocked existereOracle [EO] \--

You take a look at the time, and you ended that debacle right on schedule for your first message of the day. A breath of fresh air with someone who can barely breathe.

\-- windlessArtificer [WA] began trolling unclaspedKahuna [UK] \--  
  
WA: Hey-  
WA: I think you’re awake right now- but I could be wrong-  
WA: But I wanted to ask you something-  
UK: >([lemme guess]  
UK: >([feed.io]  
WA: Whoa-  
UK: >([its like i read ur mind? i kno]  
WA: This is kind of freaky-  
WA: Are you- okay-  
WA: I mean- I’m sure you are-  
WA: But- you sound- really chilled out-  
WA: Unnaturally so-  
UK: >([o# ya know]  
UK: >([got t#e dogwater brain]  
WA: Already-?  
WA: It’s so early-  
WA: But whatever you say- haha-

And there goes the remaining hours of the night, lost to pointless distractions. But distractions nonetheless. If only it weren’t all so repetitive.

Before now, you never really thought about your own loneliness. Island in the middle of nowhere aside, talking to people online was sort of your... only thing. Kept you distracted most of the time, away from your own mind and company. You make terrible company. 

You can’t even bring yourself to say more than a few words to anyone anymore. The few conversations you have are always the same and you’re so _burnt out_ on them. It never hit you that you... didn’t have anything else. Anyone else. You could lay and stare at the ceiling for hours with that burning desire to have another’s skin on yours, fruitlessly demanding touch and tenderness to nobody who will listen, and a change will never come. You cannot wish intimacy into your life without exposing your vulnerability, and that is saved for a last-ditch effort. 

You’re just letting the days go by. Letting it all hold you down.

TICK

Several loops pass. You forget to keep count. You’re too busy doing nothing, wallowing in impatience that’s beginning to mix with despair. You do check in on that group chat sometimes, watching Ellsee pointlessly try to explain what’s happening to her over and over and over again. It doesn’t change anything, obviously. Just stirs the pot. It settles back again later when time comes around.

TOCK

You almost feel bad for her. _Almost._ She’s doing everything she can, but you can’t help but notice that absolutely nothing ever changes. It all stays... stagnant. Static, if you will. You would laugh if it was funny.

TICK

You try to shake things up sometimes, too. _Actually_ breaking the stagnancy is impossible, but you have no other outlet for your torment. That facade of yours is breaking down quicker than you can repair it. It won’t matter in the end, at least, if you let the horrid thing beneath it shine through for a moment.

TOCK

It’s already been established; every time you wake up you anticipate the first message.

\-- windlessArtificer [WA] began trolling unclaspedKahuna [UK] \--  
  
WA: Hey-  
WA: I think you’re awake right now- but I could be wrong-  
WA: But I wanted to ask you something-

You exhale tiredly. What to say this time, huh?

UK: >([we’ve done t#is too many times, laivan]  
WA: What- do you mean-?  
WA: You never call me by my first name- is everything- okay-?  
UK: >([yeaa### about t#at actually]  
UK: >([you ever seen ground#og day?]  
WA: Can’t say that I have-  
WA: Why-?  
UK: >([well see]  
UK: >([t#e beloved protagonist some#ow inexplicably gets trapped in a time loop wit#out anyone to exposite #im any reasons nor quick-n-easy fixes]  
UK: >([poor guy just lives t#ru t#e same day over n over again and #as no c#oice but 2 navigate t#e works on #is own]  
UK: >([so bear wit# me #ere w#en i say t#at i #ave got myself into t#at same supposedly fictional conundrum]  
UK: >([time keeps repeating itself and im t#e only one w#o remembers any of it]  
UK: >([so t#ats #ow i already know exactly w#at ur gonna request of me word-4-word, because t#is is about t#e 20th time ive #ad to #ear you ask it]  
WA: Oh-  
WA: Well- no offense but-  
WA: That sounds kind of- impossible-  
WA: Are you sure you’re not- pulling on my leg here-  
WA: You are kind of known to- do that-  
WA: I might be a bit too gullible- for my own good-  
UK: >([see as muc# of a knee-slapper as t#at would b potent-s#ully]  
UK: >([wouldnt be a point to it, would t#ere?]  
UK: >([‘less i #ave sum kinda long-con mapped out on t#e table t#is jus aint t#e same]  
UK: >([also deffo deffo cant read minds yet i #avent unlocked t#at ability]  
WA: Okay- then-  
WA: Is there- anything I can do to help-?  
UK: >([if only t#ere was a way, buddy. if only]  
UK: >([but na#]  
UK: >([just #ad 2 let the news loose from t#e pound to somebody wit# ears]  
UK: >([it’s rlly got me stuck in my own #ead, y’know?]  
WA: Well- in case you ever change your mind-  
WA: I’m here-  
UK: >([dont u worry about it]  
UK: >([if t#eres any ot#er ex#ilirating activity suggestions you got cookin, im down 2 clown for it]  
WA: I don’t think I do-  
WA: I’m guessing that’s a no- to what I was going to ask then-

You feel worse. You feel so much worse. Sure, you have a cat in your bag, but he’s made it damn clear that he would like to stay put in there so long as it keeps him safe. Concealing the self is mandatory procedure. Bad enough that Laivan already has a feeling of obligation to give himself up to anyone who needs it, you don’t deserve that much effort in the slightest. You’ve already managed to fuck it up with him.

It’s too late to deflect now, but at least he won’t remember any of this next time.

TICK

You take a trip back to your dungeon a few times. It hurts, but it’s something to do. Most of the time, you’re lying flat on your back with copious injuries that could’ve been easily avoided had you not become so careless — just thinking about nothing. 

You crawl out of it one day with a broken ankle and fantasize about somebody actually giving a shit about your safety. You certainly don’t, especially not now, but there’s a certain tenderness that comes with someone quietly patching up another’s wounds. You think if you ever got close to love, you’d sabotage yourself in an instant. You’re probably right, too.

Imagining impossible things takes up a lot of your time, though it only really makes you feel guiltier. You try to think of what your current life would be like if you could go back and fix your mistakes, change yourself for the better once more. But trying to change your past is a foolish endeavor, and an ideal that only furthers your complete inability to move on. You have no choice but to be stuck with the burden of all your misdeeds and mounds of sincerity never expressed.

TOCK

Ellsee keeps trying to get ahold of you. You’ve got no idea what she’s up to anymore, but you can tell it’s desperate as all hell and none of it is working. You check her screen a few times, more than you care to admit, just to see what exactly her plans of escape are. She doesn’t seem to ever leave her tent. Just like you, sadly.

TICK

The amount of things you have in common with her is almost sickening. You look at her, that soft face and vivid eyes, the most gentle sheep skin disguising the most vicious wolf — and you see yourself. You see the parts of yourself you can’t get rid of no matter how hard you try. It’s a mirror that only displays the blemishes and scrapes and bruises you so desperately want to hide.

TOCK

She is wallowing in her loneliness, as are you, but her expression is so much more untamed — clinginess and heartbroken meltdowns, desperation for anyone to rescue her from her own personal hell. You never answer, despite the call of empathy. You’ll never forget that night, and what she did. It haunts your every waking moment.

TICK

Because you can’t possibly go any further down than the current rock-bottom in terms of self-loathing right now, you finally decide to see what she’s been saying in the memo.

EO: I alrΣady triΣd changing ΣvΣry dΣcision I’vΣ madΣ in thΣ thrΣΣ days I gΣt thΣ chancΣ to.  
EO: It’s likΣ, whΣn you’rΣ taking thosΣ pΣrsonality quizzΣs onlinΣ and gΣt somΣthing you don’t want, so you go back to altΣr your answΣrs and sΣΣ what ΣlsΣ you could’vΣ bΣΣn.  
EO: ΣxcΣpt it always fails to bΣ anything diffΣrΣnt. ThΣrΣ’s too many variablΣs, and yΣt, nothing works.  
AH: XDXD And you’ve been doing all of this for how many attempts? XDXD  
EO: 28.  
PD: oh gosh!! what a bummer (|:( that sounds rougher than sandpaper!  
SA: (are you certain there isnt anything we can do to help out? this is very worrying...)  
EO: I rΣally wish it wΣrΣ so, but no. I’m all on my own unlΣss I can gΣt a cΣrtain somΣbody who shall not bΣ namΣd publicly to coopΣratΣ with mΣ on my Σfforts, and it doΣsn’t sΣΣm thΣy’ll changΣ thΣir mind anytimΣ soon.  
AH: XDXD That is truly, maddeningly hopeless. XDXD  
AH: XDXD If I were you, I probably would’ve cracked by now. XDXD  
EO: I can alrΣady fΣΣl mysΣlf brΣaking.  
EO: It makΣs mΣ think of thosΣ isolation ΣxpΣrimΣnts whΣrΣ thΣy monitor thΣ ΣffΣcts of a pΣrson with no contact to anyonΣ whatsoΣvΣr and sΣΣ how long it takΣs for thΣm to go insanΣ.  
EO: ΣxcΣpt I do havΣ contact, it’s just that nobody rΣmΣmbΣrs any of our convΣrsations or what’s happΣnΣd aftΣr a cΣrtain amount of timΣ, and somΣhow, that outcomΣ fΣΣls so much worsΣ.  
EO: ThΣrΣ’s a ropΣ bΣing danglΣd in front of mΣ but I can’t rΣach it no mattΣr how hard I try, and soonΣr or latΣr I’m going to fall off this cliff.  
EO: Said cliff also possΣssΣs thΣ ability to tΣlΣport mΣ back to thΣ top bΣforΣ I bΣcomΣ nothing but a splattΣr on thΣ ground, and I just kΣΣp on falling forΣvΣr with no way out.  
AH: XDXD I don’t know what to say that will be of any comfort. I’m sorry. XDXD

You turn your phone off. Seeing that conversation unfold didn’t help at all, just forced you to reflect harder on the circumstances. You are so, so alone, and it’s all your fault.

TOCK

That profound loneliness starts to eat at you, slowly, as a river cuts through a canyon and carves it ever deeper. The repetition of it all drives you to the brink of madness. You’re taking an ice pick to the thin layer of frost coating your sanity — or what remains of it. But you can’t allow yourself to lose it. You just _can’t._ It’s not something you can afford.

But you get the feeling you’re going into debt anyways.

You wake up on what’s normally the final day — not that you can tell, your sleep patterns are completely off the wall now — feeling like you’re on fire. Your eyes are wide and your arms tremble, burning with strung-up anxiety and anger. Everything feels out of control; and yeah, you’re fucking _losing it._ You’re losing it so bad that you don’t even notice yourself taking hold of the nearest TV screen and plunging your balled fist into it faster than you would ever have time to think about consequences.

Your knuckles break through the screen with a deafening shatter, breathing labored and stressed. You know for a fact that it’s bleeding. There are shards digging into your sensitive skin. But at least it feels like _something._ Something new. Thus, you don’t react to the pain. You are kind of used to it, after all.

You sit and stare blankly at your wound like your soul has left your hollow shell of a body.

Not for long, however.

\-- gigantisDebilitation [GD] began trolling unclaspedKahuna [UK] \--  
  
GD: Wh/\t is with the sudden r/\dio silence?///  
GD: I know you’\/e been spying on me///  
GD: Like you /\lw/\ys h/\\\/e the h/\bit of doing///  
GD: But seriously, it’s st/\rting to get fucking weird without you pestering me const/\ntly///

Familiar lead to a familiar chat. You haven’t answered him for the past few loops, due to your whole inability to keep yourself intact. But... you think you’ve finally passed the point of no return. Put one straw too many on the camel’s back.

The pain starts to hit you for real this time once you realize what a mess you’ve gotten yourself into. It is rather difficult to type on such a small screen with a bloody hand, you discover.

UK: >([shit]  
UK: >([well you’ve got me at a bad time, huh?]  
GD: Wh/\t /\re you t/\lking /\bout?///  
UK: >([it’s a lot to explain. i mean, i _have_ lots to explain.]  
UK: >([really painful to type without fucking up right now ‘cause my hand is fucking busted i guess]  
UK: >([you’ve seen what limey’s been saying, right?]  
GD: The time loop thing?///  
GD: Ye/\h, I think it’s bullshit, but she seems pretty upset, so...///  
UK: >([well, funny story there]  
UK: >([i am also very very stuck in that same loop]  
UK: >([i don’t know how or why, it shouldn’t be possible at all]  
UK: >([yet i’m here.]  
GD: Oh///  
GD: Well, I belie\/e you then///  
UK: >([...]  
UK: >([are you SURE?]  
GD: Well if you’re going to re/\ct like th/\t then, no?///  
UK: >([fuck i mean]  
UK: >([i just don’t see how you would put any sort of faith in me after everything i've done.]  
GD: First of /\ll, I know for /\ f/\ct th/\t you would ne\/er /\gree with Ellsee on /\bsolutely /\nything, so the extr/\ordin/\rily off-ch/\nce you do so must me/\n something is seriously wrong///  
GD: Secondly, do you re/\lly think I don’t trust you?///  
UK: >([i guess that’s fair.]  
GD: So tell me wh/\t’s going on///  
UK: >([i originally thought the problem lied in me bugging you too much and stopping you from carrying out your plan.]  
UK: >([tested the theory-water a bit, definitely didn’t have a fun time watching you kick the bucket.]  
UK: >([but when there were only two outcomes and it didn’t end up having any impact...]  
UK: >([i don’t know. i think i gave up pretty quickly.]  
UK: >([nothing else happens in the three-day window i get to do anything.]  
GD: /\h... hm.///  
GD: It could be th/\t your theory is completely wrong///  
GD: /\nd the problem lies in /\ much less t/\ngible ide/\///  
GD: I know you, /\nd I’m well /\w/\re th/\t you h/\\\/e some serious shit I /\m un/\ble to fix///  
GD: I think you need to /\sk her for help///  
UK: >([ahaha. god.]  
UK: >([would’ve really been mad if this conversation happened any earlier than now.]  
UK: >([but that sounds... like a good idea.]  
GD: I know, I’m full of them///  
UK: >([no you’re really not.]  
GD: Oh, come on.///  
GD: Seriously though, it would be worth /\ try///  
GD: We /\re /\lre/\dy bre/\ching into territory I’m not /\t /\ll qu/\lified to fill for you///  
UK: >([yeah. i think i’ll do that.]  
UK: >([one more thing before everything gets reset?]  
GD: Hm?///  
UK: >([i love you so much.]  
UK: >([and would you look at the time! see you in the next run.]  
GD: W/\it, WH/\T?///  
GD: HOLD ON??///  
GD: DON’T LE/\\\/E ON /\ NOTE LIKE TH/\T WH/\T THE FUCK///

TICK

The clock turns back, and the first breath you breathe has never felt more relieving. Getting that out was truly cathartic. Too bad it won’t happen ever again without the certainty of no consequences.

The relief fades quickly once you realize what you have to do. Sad as it sounds, you’ve never asked anyone for help before. Never had a shoulder to cry on. You only depend on yourself. Unraveling the “why”s isn’t particularly worth your time, but even thinking about your independency issues for a mere second raises plenty of explanations. You’re psychologically buried in a fucking ballpit, essentially.

You think for a moment first, about what you want to say. You’d have to make amends first. Not exactly your specialty dish, but like she said earlier, desperate times call for desperate measures. It has indeed become as desperate as she previously implied.

There’s gonna have to be a certain levity to your demeanor, as you at least understand the basic unspoken social rule of not lamenting in depth to strangers. Or in your case, an enemy. The very idea wouldn’t be as painful to ruminate if it weren’t for the fact that you’ve only ever been hostile to her, and that you can’t shake the traumatic memories she played a part in. 

It never occurred to you before now that you could possibly get along with her, in spite of everything. She’s too forgiving and faithful, but it’s actually quite admirable to see in action — even if it may end up putting her in risky situations. Not saying that you’re going to take advantage of that, however — you’d like to think you’re above emotional manipulation. 

Maybe the whole “asking for help” thing can wait. You gotta keep it simple to start, keep everything on the down-low, ignoring the fact that you’ve been having a non-stop mental breakdown for wices now. As well as hiding the massive grudge you’re still holding on to like a fucking lifeline.

\-- unclaspedKahuna [UK] began trolling existereOracle [EO] \--  
  
UK: >([heyyyy so remember when i said i wasn’t thrilled to work as a team]  
EO: WΣll it’s about fucking TIMΣ you camΣ around, you stupid assholΣ¡¡¡¡  
EO: Did you havΣ fun sulking in thΣ cornΣr likΣ a misΣrablΣ child¿¿  
UK: >([i did, actually]  
UK: >([brain starts to get real creative after a blink of being stuck in the same 3-day span of mind-numbingly dull events]  
EO: You know, aftΣr all that I’vΣ bΣΣn through, I don’t think I bΣliΣvΣ you¡¡  
EO: If you camΣ crawling back likΣ this, somΣthing wΣnt wrong and you want MΣ to fix it for you.  
EO: WΣll buddy, it’s not gonna happΣn¡¡¡¡  
EO: My gΣnΣrousity only strΣtchΣs so far.  
UK: >([listen, i just had to let it all simmer in my brain for a while like a crock pot dinner]  
UK: >([and as much as i hate to hear this come outta my mouth]  
UK: >([you were probably more right than i was]  
EO: And it took you THAT long¿¿  
EO: I am truly astoundΣd. You dΣsΣrvΣ a mΣdal for this lΣvΣl of arrogancΣ.  
UK: >([i am honored and i accept the award]  
UK: >([thank you, thank you]  
UK: >([you don’t have to tell me that the crowd is tossing tomatoes at me because i’m perfectly aware of it myself. i actually enjoy it]  
EO: You arΣ thΣ wΣirdΣst fucking pΣrson I’vΣ ΣvΣr had thΣ displΣasurΣ of mΣΣting.  
UK: >([you are just handing out these compliments like candy tonight keep em comin]  
EO: I don’t havΣ timΣ to ΣntΣrtain your sΣlf-dΣprΣcation fantasiΣs. RΣmΣmbΣr what you actually camΣ hΣrΣ to talk to mΣ about¿¿  
UK: >([ah yes]  
UK: >([our momentary survival truce]  
UK: >([how’s that goin for you btw]  
EO: I think wΣ’rΣ wΣll past thΣ point of knowing what thΣ hΣll wΣ havΣ to do to fix this.  
EO: Do you havΣ _any idΣa_ how much I’vΣ triΣd¿¿¿¿  
UK: >([i caught up on the reruns dw]  
UK: >([happened to come across the idea that what we’re dealing with here has a much less “tangible solution”]  
UK: >([somethin emotional, if you will]  
UK: >([not in my field of expertise as i’m sure you can guess]  
EO: Thank god at lΣast onΣ of us is ΣvΣn slightly Σmotionally compΣtΣnt.  
EO: You’rΣ about as maturΣ as a nΣwly-hatchΣd Σgg.  
UK: >([yeowch]  
UK: >([an ee wayz]  
UK: >([any fresh ideas knockin around in that skull of yours?]  
UK: >([there’s gotta be sumn that comes to mind]  
EO: OthΣr than somΣhow finding mysΣlf a moirail in this chaos¿¿¿¿  
EO: No, not rΣally.  
UK: >([you really don’t have your eyes set on anyone for your pale square?]  
EO: OutsidΣ of Sova, who I barΣly ΣvΣn know and who is hardly availablΣ to assist my own problΣms¿¿¿¿  
EO: No. I don’t.  
EO: I don’t think shΣ’d ΣvΣn bΣ intΣrΣstΣd in mΣ likΣ that, which is honΣstly finΣ by mΣ.  
UK: >([a damn shame if you ask me]  
UK: >([not even worth taking the shot for?]  
EO: It wouldn’t work out.  
EO: I’d nΣΣd somΣonΣ who undΣrstands mΣ and knows what hΣlls I’vΣ trudgΣd through.  
EO: SomΣonΣ probably morΣ stablΣ than mΣ, if it’s possiblΣ.  
EO: But wΣ don’t rΣally havΣ anyonΣ likΣ that in our misΣrablΣ caravan party.  
EO: My own matΣsprit isn’t ΣvΣn Σmotionally availablΣ¡¡¡¡  
UK: >([oh whoa hold it]  
UK: >([that right there]  
EO: What¿¿¿¿  
UK: >([havin some relationship troubles, are ya?]  
EO: WΣll... yΣs, but...  
UK: >([keep goin this might lead somewhere]  
EO: It’s just...  
EO: I don’t mΣan to slandΣr him at all. That’s thΣ last thing I want to do.  
EO: HΣ’s rΣally a grΣat guy, othΣrwisΣ I wouldn’t havΣ bondΣd with him to bΣgin with. HΣ’s smart and kind and wants thΣ bΣst for mΣ and our planΣt¡¡ But...  
EO: HΣ’s just vΣry... distant. I’vΣ nΣvΣr sΣΣn anyonΣ so indulgΣnt in thΣir own work likΣ hΣ tΣnds to bΣ.  
EO: And it just lΣads him to... complΣtΣly nΣglΣct mΣ.  
EO: ...No, that’s sΣlfish.  
EO: I simply wish hΣ could tΣll mΣ what’s going on in his lifΣ bΣcausΣ hΣ surΣ doΣs act likΣ I don’t carΣ ΣvΣn though I most cΣrtainly do¡¡¡¡  
EO: It wouldn’t be hard for him to just tΣll mΣ how his day is going and... I don’t know, fucking communicatΣ with mΣ at ALL¿¿¿¿  
EO: God, why am I ΣvΣn tΣlling you this. You don’t carΣ.  
UK: >([well if it helps us get out of the loop then i’m all ears]  
UK: >([talking to your man wouldn’t hurt]  
UK: >([can’t just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, y’know?]  
UK: >([hafta take matters into your own hands]  
EO: But I’vΣ triΣd¡¡ I’vΣ triΣd so many timΣs to start a convΣrsation with him about anything and hΣ doΣsn’t answΣr for days and... by thΣ timΣ hΣ doΣs, I fΣΣl likΣ it’s too latΣ to addrΣss.  
UK: >([what if you didn’t backtrack this time?]  
UK: >([you gotta own yourself]  
UK: >([fake confidence takes you a lot further than runnin back to hide in the bushes]  
UK: >([neither of us can afford to be insecure right now]  
UK: >([costs too much to fail]  
UK: >([go in there and assert yourself, tell em you wanna talk about real srs bznz, and express your concern]  
UK: >([don’t sugarcoat it too much. keep that shit savory]  
EO: ...That actually might bΣ usΣful advicΣ. Wow.  
EO: Um, thanks¿¿ I guΣss¿¿  
UK: >([no prob]  
EO: I’ll, uh, kΣΣp you updatΣd, thΣn.  
EO: GivΣ mΣ a minutΣ.

You feel odd. There’s still a horrible pressure on your chest, but in the center of what seems to be an emotional battlefield, there’s an inkling of something else. A warm feeling. You can’t quite place it, or give it a name, but it’s there, granting you patience and a newfound fondness for... Her. Of all people. Someone you’ve seen in several of your worst nightmares.

Your head’s in a bit of a whirlpool right now. There’s an unresolved tsunami of fear and depression just waiting to tumble onto a shore, mixing with those feelings of comfort you’ve suddenly found. Trying to put together the feelings and make sense of them is like putting multiple jigsaw puzzles in the same box, shaking them up in a blender, and attempting to solve them without reference. Practically impossible without a lot of time and patience that you don’t have left in you. It’s gonna have to go on the back burner until it bursts.

For now, you’re just waiting for her to return. It doesn’t seem that your conversation is anywhere near over.

EO: Ugh. HΣ’s not answΣring mΣ.  
EO: As usual.  
EO: I mΣan, I’m surΣ hΣ’s just busy.  
UK: >([i smell doubt]  
EO: _MaybΣ_ just a littlΣ.  
EO: I don’t want to accusΣ him of bΣing purposΣfully nΣglΣctful, though. HΣ’d nΣvΣr do that to anyonΣ.  
EO: I just...  
EO: God, hΣrΣ I go again with lamΣnting my insΣcuritiΣs at you. I’m sorry.  
EO: I know you hatΣ mΣ for... undisclosΣd rΣasons I’m apparΣntly not allowΣd to hΣar.  
UK: >([well hey, at least we got past the hostility threshold pretty quickly, right?]  
EO: Don’t assumΣ this mΣans anything. BΣcausΣ it doΣsn’t.  
EO: It just so happΣns that you’rΣ thΣ only othΣr pΣrson who undΣrstands thΣ currΣnt goings-on.  
UK: >([fair, fair]  
UK: >([gotta give me a little credit for effort tho]  
EO: As if you dΣsΣrvΣ it.  
UK: >([aww c’mon]  
UK: >([i’m makin’ myself more than a pinch vulnerable here as im known not to do ever]  
UK: >([least you could do is give me a pat on the back]  
([i’ll let ya hit me over the head if it helps]  
EO: ...  
EO: Could you at lΣast tΣll mΣ why, now that wΣ’rΣ working togΣthΣr for howΣvΣr long it takΣs¿¿  
UK: >([why what? aint nuthin but a heartache?]  
EO: Why wΣrΣ you so vΣhΣmΣntly caustic to mΣ¿¿  
EO: HonΣstly, I didn’t think you wΣrΣ likΣ that at all.  
UK: >([water under the bridge til i burn it down later]  
EO: That’s not an answΣr.  
UK: >([it fr doesnt matter rn]  
UK: >([it’s on a need-to-know basis and you do not need to know]  
EO: I would say, actually, it’s impΣrativΣ that you spill it.  
EO: It’s so pointlΣss for you to kΣΣp ΣvΣrything bΣhind a lock and kΣy right now¡¡¡¡¡¡  
EO: You got mΣ to bΣ honΣst about my fΣΣlings, so now it’s your turn.  
UK: >([can it waiiiit]  
EO: No.  
UK: >([i cross my heart i’ll tell you when we’re done]  
EO: I don’t think I can trust you yΣt.  
UK: >([yet you took my advice smh my h]  
EO: BΣcausΣ it soundΣd rΣasonablΣ¡¡  
UK: >([and my promises don’t?]  
UK: >([you got some real double standards there sugarplum fairy]  
EO: I just want to know what I did wrong.  
EO: It’s that simplΣ.  
UK: >([really not the time for me to switch tracks rn]  
EO: ArΣ you always this difficult¿¿¿¿ No, of coursΣ you arΣ, why do I ΣvΣn bothΣr asking.  
UK: >([i learned from the best]  
EO: Your moral compass is a fucking roulΣttΣ whΣΣl. I don’t think whoΣvΣr raisΣd you was vΣry rΣsponsiblΣ.  
UK: >([you know, they really werent]  
UK: >([can’t change that, though]  
UK: >([not all of us are gifted with a good-faring neighborly family]  
UK: >([the kind you see on the oldest of vhs tapes washed ashore]  
UK: >([s’pose nobody really gets that, but some get closer to it than the rest of us ever get a chance to]  
EO: ArΣ you guilt-tripping mΣ somΣhow¿¿¿¿  
EO: GΣΣz, sorry I hit an unsΣΣn nΣrvΣ thΣrΣ. I’m not Σxactly a trainΣd privatΣ surgΣon.  
UK: >([nah nah its good im just musing]  
UK: >([you should prolly be keepin your eyes on your main man tho]  
UK: >([dont wanna miss a chance]  
EO: I’m not lΣtting you distract mΣ.  
EO: Oh, wait.  
EO: HΣ did rΣply. That was fast.  
UK: >([give em hell, girl]  
EO: I’m not donΣ with you yΣt¡¡¡  
EO: LΣt’s hopΣ this works.

TOCK

It doesn’t. 

It doesn’t work. Logically, there’s a lot more you can still try, but you were really at the end of your ropes there, hanging on by the last thread of hope. The smart half of your brain doesn’t even get loud enough to be heard over the growing panic.

You start pacing, mumbling under your quickening breath, in a feeble attempt at trying to calm yourself. What really concerns you more than your hopelessness is how new this feeling is to you. You aren’t easily scared, never have been. The one time you’ve ever had a panic attack was justifiable over the simple fact that you had visions sent to you by the fucking god of all things unholy and unreal. Yet, here you are, spiraling for no reason whatsoever, losing what control you used to have over your emotional state. 

You’re downright fucking terrified, internal monologue becoming a cacophony of screams and worries and total uncertainty. You’re never going to move forward. Nobody is ever going to accept you, either. Face the goddamn _facts,_ asshole. You're dealing with this forever and ever and ever.

You’re facing the facts, alright. They’re all drilling holes into your skin. Penetrating the surface, burying themselves deep within your arteries. You collapse to the ground in a sobbing heap, overwhelmed by your own mind. _It’s over,_ you tell yourself. The only choice you have is to give up and be consumed by agony until the universe has had its fill and dies.

What does it want from you? Why can’t you get a grip and control it? You’re not supposed to be weak like this. You take life by the reins and steer it in your direction every time, there is no reason you should be falling off course now.

\-- existereOracle [EO] began trolling unclaspedKahuna [UK] \--  
  
EO: Back to thΣ drawing board, I guΣss. Fuck.  
EO: HΣllo...¿¿¿  
EO: Oh, comΣ on. You’rΣ not ignoring mΣ again, arΣ you¿¿¿  
EO: TakΣ your own advicΣ for a changΣ.

You can barely read her messages through the tears clouding your vision. No way in hell you’re going to be able to hold yourself together for much longer, but if duct taping the wound is what you need to do to stay resilient, then by god you’re gonna do just that.

You catch your breath first. Take it slow again, don’t let too much out. You got this.

UK: >([cut me some slack i wasnt payin attention]  
EO: WhatΣvΣr you say.  
EO: WΣll, I’m out of idΣas. I think it’s your turn.  
UK: >([my turn to what?]  
EO: Find somΣthing you nΣΣd to fix in your lifΣ. LikΣ I triΣd so vigorously to do.  
UK: >([aside from needing to get the fuck out of here?]  
UK: >([nah]  
EO: Trying to convincΣ mΣ you havΣ zΣro Σmotional issuΣs is likΣ dirΣctly spΣaking to thΣ ΣlΣphant in thΣ room and tΣlling it to lΣavΣ.  
EO: ShΣ’s with us as long as you rΣfusΣ to do your part to makΣ this situation any ΣasiΣr.  
EO: I litΣrally cannot lΣavΣ you alonΣ unlΣss you communicatΣ with mΣ.  
UK: >([there is nothing wrong with me whatsoever]  
EO: GIVΣ MΣ A GODDAMN BRΣAK  
EO: Okay, I’ll bΣ thΣ first to admit it¡¡ I am in no way qualifiΣd to bΣ a god damn thΣrapist¡¡¡  
EO: But considΣring thΣ fact that YOU of all pΣoplΣ were ablΣ to makΣ an ΣxcΣption and listΣn to mΣ vΣnt¿¿ I’d bΣ hard-prΣssΣd to forgΣt that¡¡¡¡¡¡  
EO: It is only FAIR that I do thΣ samΣ to you.  
EO: PLUS thΣrΣ is no POINT in dancing around thΣ subjΣct likΣ you so stubbornly havΣ committΣd to doing.  
EO: If you WANT to gΣt out of this, you arΣ going to cry mΣ a fucking rivΣr, and I will hΣlp you build a FUCKING bridgΣ so you can gΣt THΣ FUCK OVΣR IT¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡  
EO: AM I BΣING CLΣAR ΣNOUGH FOR YOU¿¿¿¿¿¿ OR DO I HAVΣ TO WALTZ OVΣR TO YOUR DΣATH-TRAPPΣD NIGHTMARΣ LABYRINTH AND FORCΣ IT OUT OF YOU MYSΣLF¿¿¿¿¿¿  
UK: >([no thats uhh]  
UK: >([pretty damn clear and thorough.]  
EO: Okay. Good.  
EO: Now tΣll mΣ ΣvΣrything.  
UK: >([its really]  
UK: >([hard]  
UK: >([as much as i’d love to move on]  
UK: >([i don’t exactly feel ready to pull my fuckin heart out to you]  
UK: >([i am really truly stuck between the fences here]  
UK: >([there’s only one way out but it’s barricaded by hundreds of brick walls and i don’t have a big enough hammer to chip away at it]  
UK: >([for the second time in my life]  
UK: >([i’m afraid]  
UK: >([i don’t know what’s on the other side of that door but this stagnancy is so much safer]  
UK: >([i can’t turn the handle unless all of me is 100% certain that i want to confront the mortifying ordeal of being known]  
UK: >([and to be consumed by uncertainty at every waking moment]  
UK: >([if the real me isn’t somebody i can stand to be around, then i doubt anyone else would either.]  
UK: >([is THAT clear enough for you.]  
EO: ...YΣah, I gΣt it.  
EO: I can sΣΣ how intimidating this could bΣ for somΣbody likΣ you. EO: I don’t rΣally know what to say.  
EO: MaybΣ thΣ univΣrsΣ just rΣally wants us to gΣt along and wΣ’rΣ trΣating it too insincΣrΣly.  
UK: >([if that were the case, then. i might not be stuck with all those memories i’ve been so graciously gifted.]  
EO: What mΣmoriΣs¿  
UK: >([aw fuck. cat’s outta the bag again.]  
UK: >([well it’s not a big deal but i did see you casting some fuckin evil wizard spells that summoned mr x himself and sorta cursed me with some visions i physically can’t unsee]  
UK: >([no biggie really]  
EO: I... I don’t undΣrstand.  
EO: I’vΣ nΣvΣr bΣΣn ablΣ to summon anything that wasn’t likΣ, a wrΣath of wildflowΣrs. My stuff’s all whimsy and no gunfirΣ.  
UK: >([yeah that’s about how i thought you’d react]  
UK: >([honestly i can’t tell if you’re lying about it or if i’m just crazy and haunted by my own delusions]  
EO: I’m surΣ you arΣn’t.  
EO: It’s probably my fault.  
EO: HowΣvΣr that works.  
UK: >([getting to actually speak with you makes me feel otherwise.]  
UK: >([about the whole thing, i mean.]  
UK: >([i’m normally a whole legion more stubborn than this.]  
EO: But you can’t Σxactly afford to bΣ likΣ that now, huh¿¿ Now that thΣrΣ’s no way out without a propΣr confrontation.  
EO: And plΣasΣ, I know _Σxactly_ how stubborn you arΣ. NΣΣd I rΣmind you of litΣrally a singlΣ night ago whΣrΣ you spΣnt a litΣral blink’s worth of loops ignoring mΣ¿¿  
EO: ΣvΣry stonΣ gΣts worn away ΣvΣntually.  
UK: >([i catch your drift.]  
UK: >([i guess i just wish this shit was easier than it is.]  
UK: >([i think i have... a lot to unpack. might as well throw the suitcase out the window while i’m at it.]  
EO: YΣah¿¿  
UK: >([yeah]  
EO: WΣll. I can wait.  
EO: I’ll admit, I’vΣ nΣvΣr bΣΣn ablΣ to talk to somΣonΣ for so long.  
EO: ΣvΣn if that somΣonΣ happΣns to bΣ you. I mΣan, not to say I don’t likΣ you. Or that I do, for that mattΣr. TakΣ this as you will, but I’m still a littlΣ on thΣ fΣncΣ.  
EO: I do want to fix whatΣvΣr got brokΣn, though. I’ll do what I can. I don’t rΣally havΣ much of a choicΣ, anyways.  
EO: I fΣΣl so trappΣd _all thΣ timΣ._ Do you havΣ any idΣa what it’s likΣ to bΣ a total social pariah¿¿¿¿ For your ΣntirΣ LIFΣ¿¿¿¿  
EO: Nobody doΣs. ThΣrΣ’s nobody ΣlsΣ out thΣrΣ who has to fΣar for thΣir lifΣ constantly bΣcausΣ thΣy don’t know who thΣy can trust.  
EO: ThΣy don’t know who will want to kill thΣm for thΣir blood, or who will want to usΣ thΣm.  
EO: WhΣn you havΣ somΣthing as potΣntially powΣrful as mΣ in a world likΣ this, making ΣvΣn _onΣ_ friΣnd that doΣsn’t look at you likΣ you’rΣ diffΣrΣnt is a _miraclΣ._  
EO: I know what it’s madΣ mΣ act likΣ. I’m not proud of it.  
EO: But it isn’t somΣthing I can control, ΣithΣr.  
UK: >([why are you telling me this?]  
EO: BΣcausΣ... god damnit, I don’t know¡¡¡¡¡¡  
EO: I find you oddly trustworthy right now, dΣspitΣ ΣvΣrything.  
UK: >([you know what? me too]  
EO: So arΣ you going to tΣll mΣ anything yΣt¿¿¿¿  
UK: >([i’m thinking on it.]  
UK: >([i think i’ve got really bad heartburn or... something]  
UK: >([it’s a little distracting from the conversation]  
EO: Oh no¿¿  
EO: Is that a normal thing you wakΣ up with ΣvΣry cyclΣ¿¿¿¿  
UK: >([definitely not]  
UK: >([sometimes there’s a little lingering stress after i do something dangerous but i don’t think it’s that]  
EO: Hrmm... what Σxactly doΣs it fΣΣl likΣ¿¿  
UK: >([like there’s something sort of... crushing me?]  
UK: >([there’s a weird and very awful feeling in the back of my throat and it’s sort of hard to breathe with it]  
UK: >([i feel like i should recognize it in some capacity but i can’t place it]  
EO: DoΣs it fΣΣl likΣ somΣthing you nΣΣd to cry out¿¿¿¿  
EO: I know that sΣnsation wΣll.  
UK: >([i already cried my damn eyes out over nothing like 20 minutes ago what the hell does it want now]  
EO: You don’t strikΣ mΣ as thΣ typΣ of pΣrson who doΣs that.  
UK: >([and you’d be right! i’m not!]  
UK: >([whatever tho i guess there’s just something wrong with me]  
EO: That’s not somΣthing to act all flippant about¡¡¡¡  
UK: >([can’t help it!]  
EO: Urghh.  
EO: Alright, look. I think I know what wΣ havΣ to do. Would it bΣ too much troublΣ for you to haul ass ovΣr hΣrΣ in pΣrson so wΣ can hash it out¿¿¿¿  
UK: >([if you know what we have to do, just say it here.]  
UK: >([no point in pussyfooting around it now]  
EO: You’rΣ not going to likΣ it, and I’m making a wild assumption hΣrΣ that you know what it is, too. You just arΣn’t admitting it to yoursΣlf.  
EO: It’ll bΣ ΣasiΣr this way, trust mΣ.  
UK: >([i’m not totally convinced i can trust you not to do something morally corrupt?]  
EO: Oh, says you.  
EO: I’m making mysΣlf vulnΣrablΣ hΣrΣ. You did thΣ samΣ. ΣxcΣpt this timΣ it’s physical vulnΣrability, and I don’t doubt that I’d quickly losΣ a fight to somΣonΣ of your prowΣss.  
EO: PlΣasΣ. LΣt’s Σnd this.  
UK: >([god. alright]  
UK: >([get comfy tho it’s gonna be a while]

You can see the sunrise over the collective canopy the forest provides you. It’s a lot prettier here than over a heartless sea. Sadly, whatever beauty you find in it doesn’t do anything to make you feel calm. Throughout your hours of travel through tunnels and over needlessly harsh landscape, you've found your mind drifting towards that dreaded self-introspective territory you've managed to avoid for so long. Like it or not, something's changed in you, and the direction it's taken isn't one you're looking forward to. 

You've become unstable. Having control is important to you, whether it be over yourself or a situation you're handling. You've lost both of those things. The change from being independent to someone who needs company and reassurance is rather mortifying. You know that once you get to that clearing and she greets you, you're going to spill. You're going to spill everything. 

It's scary, and you aren't used to being scared.

You spot her tent through the trees, and approach with more caution than you'd ever approached anything before. Her lusus is sleeping outside the entrance, the goat's head peeking an angry eye at you. You stop dead in your tracks, keeping your distance, watching them paw gently at the tent's fabric, presumably to get Ellsee's attention.

She pops her head out and smiles at you, gesturing for you to join her. Your legs feel like jelly and not because you've had to walk miles to get here.

Yet, excruciatingly, you make your way in and immediately drop to the comfort of her pile of pillows, on which she joins you.

ELLSEE: Glad you finally madΣ it, dumbass.  
ELLSEE: You look a bit shit.  
MURRIT: >([wow. thanks]  
ELLSEE: I mΣan it in thΣ most ΣndΣaring way possible.  
ELLSEE: You’rΣ growing on mΣ likΣ a goddamn barnaclΣ. Or somΣ typΣ of wΣird parasitΣ.  
MURRIT: >([how sweet of you to say.]  
ELLSEE: You don’t sound vΣry thankful¡¡  
MURRIT: >([what, is it some kind of fuckin’ requirement?]  
ELLSEE: WΣlllll... yΣs. You owΣ mΣ thΣ nicΣtiΣs.  
MURRIT: >([i guess that checks out.]  
MURRIT: >([so uh...]  
MURRIT: >([how do i...?]  
ELLSEE: You’vΣ nΣvΣr had a good long talk about your fΣΣlings with somΣbody bΣforΣ, I’m assuming. That sort of thing doΣsn’t sΣΣm likΣ somΣthing you’d ΣmbracΣ.  
ELLSEE: Which is finΣ, I supposΣ. I mΣan, a lot of us strugglΣ with it. I do too.  
ELLSEE: But that’s only bΣcausΣ I don’t Σxactly havΣ anyonΣ thΣrΣ for mΣ in thΣ first placΣ.  
ELLSEE: DO you think it’d bΣ ΣasiΣr if I askΣd¿¿  
MURRIT: >([this is immensely uncomfortable.]  
MURRIT: >([but knock yourself out.]  
ELLSEE: WΣ havΣ to gΣt it ovΣr with soonΣr rathΣr than latΣr, you know.  
MURRIT: >([...]  
ELLSEE: I won’t dig unlΣss you fΣΣl okay with it.  
ELLSEE: How arΣ you fΣΣling in this vΣry momΣnt¿¿  
MURRIT: >([hmm that’s a tough one]  
MURRIT: >([i’m never good at the short essay questions]  
MURRIT: >([trying to categorize this shit into words is like trying to organize your fuckin desktop hoard after you’ve dled 6 trojans and your monitor is on deaths door]  
MURRIT: >([which i guess can also describe some part of what my brain chemistry is up to]  
MURRIT: >([something is really wrong and different and i’m not a fan of it]  
MURRIT: >([i’d like to go back to the old me, before we had to play a wild fucking goose chase in the minotaur’s twisted fucking mind]  
ELLSEE: As in... thΣ vΣrsion of you that wasn’t ashamΣd to bΣ a stonΣ-cold killΣr¿¿  
MURRIT: >([god no]  
MURRIT: >([i used to be able to keep all this baggage on lockdown, you know?]  
MURRIT: >([i was fuckin impossible to bother. wasn’t scared of shit.]  
MURRIT: >([controlling emotional dysregulation was a skill i’d built up for sweeps perfecting to the finest touch]  
MURRIT: >([and now it only takes one misstep for me to go barreling down into fucking insanity]  
MURRIT: >([even though i know that kind of outburst is completely exaggerated and unreasonable, it doesn’t do anything to stop me]  
MURRIT: >([fear is weakness. and at this point, all i can do is be afraid of... something. the next thing happening.]  
MURRIT: >([it doesn’t make any sense.]  
ELLSEE: That sounds likΣ an ΣxtrΣmΣly poorly handlΣd anxiΣty disordΣr.

Your eyes go wide in horror, staring at the opposite wall as you lean back. You should’ve recognized that much fucking sooner.

MURRIT: >([oh this sucks.]  
ELLSEE: It’s nothing to bΣ ashamΣd of.

You drag your hands over your face, pressing fingers hard against your eyelids. Something that sounds like a sigh and a whine leaves your throat, dragging out until your inflection becomes raspy. You’d like to not deal with this. 

Your eyes well up again, against your will. Ellsee senses this, you think, and settles down a little closer to your level, wrapping an arm around your shoulders from beneath you. She says nothing. Not even when you let out a choked sob. Pathetic, really, but at least it doesn’t feel like she’s casting any judgment on you.

You try your best to keep up the composure you once had, removing your palms from your face and taking in a deep breath.

MURRIT: >([sorry. i didn’t. mean to do that]  
ELLSEE: It’s okay.  
ELLSEE: Why do you... fΣΣl likΣ you havΣ to hidΣ all thΣ timΣ¿¿  
MURRIT: >([...i don’t know. fear again, maybe. self hatred. a mix of the two. put in a fuckin’ blender. couldn’t tell the difference if i tried.]  
MURRIT: >([i’ve got a lot of regrets.]  
MURRIT: >([i don’t want people to know the same version of me that i know. he’s not a good guy.]  
MURRIT: >([i don’t even know what he is at this point.]  
MURRIT: >([i made this decision a while ago, where i said i’d be picking myself up in the name of love. corny as hell, but that’s just what ended up happenin]  
MURRIT: >([i don’t know how much of me actually moved on]  
MURRIT: >([but i don’t think it was very much]  
MURRIT: >([he said he was different now]  
MURRIT: >([said he’s a new man in a new city in new attire to go with it]  
MURRIT: >([but the impulses lurked under his dumbass floral prints and novelty glasses]  
MURRIT: >([he’s uncomfortable with reality all the time, ain’t he? he doesn’t know what he wants.]  
MURRIT: >([yet every time he gets close to finding it, boom. reckless self sabotage]  
ELLSEE: What Σxactly arΣ you trying to tΣll mΣ¿¿  
MURRIT: >([that my sense of identity is completely fucked, i guess.]  
MURRIT: >([i’m not going through any dysphoria, so it’s probably not that]  
MURRIT: >([it’s more like... i have a vision of what i want to be. they’re open and friendly and everybody wants to have a beer with them on saturdays, yknow?]  
MURRIT: >([but there are like, steps to get up to that point. that are absolutely covered in spikes and other miscellaneous cartoony gags that end up being extraordinarily painful when put in reality]  
MURRIT: >([i can’t handle what it takes to climb it. i will never be that person.]  
MURRIT: >([but they are staring me dead in the eyes every second i exist. mockingly.]  
MURRIT: >([that’s where the resentment comes in and i’m just spiraling downwards and downwards forever.]  
MURRIT: >([so deep in the shit that i’m basically drowning]  
MURRIT: >([i... im fucked up, ellsee. i dont know how i got to be like this.]

She leans her head on your shoulder, sighing. She understands. Her fingers interlock in your idle hand.

ELLSEE: You don’t havΣ to figurΣ that out yΣt.  
ELLSEE: I think it’s good that you’rΣ just... awarΣ of it.  
ELLSEE: It’s changing that’s thΣ hard part, isn’t it¿¿  
MURRIT: >([yeah.]  
ELLSEE: At lΣast you havΣ timΣ. You havΣn’t donΣ anything too stupid yΣt.  
MURRIT: >([you don’t know anything about that.]  
ELLSEE: Aw, comΣ on. GΣt rid of thΣ dΣprΣcating jokΣs.  
MURRIT: >([that wasn’t a joke.]  
MURRIT: >([i mean, you’d agree, right?]  
MURRIT: >([haven’t exactly left the best impression on everyone.]  
ELLSEE: That doΣsn’t makΣ it irrΣparablΣ.   
ELLSEE: Just look at thΣ two of us right now.  
MURRIT: >([oh]  
MURRIT: >([okay i guess you’re right there]  
ELLSEE: I’m always right.  
ELLSEE: Do you think that’s all you want to gΣt out of your systΣm right now¿¿  
MURRIT: >([is that even enough?]  
MURRIT: >([i’m only scratching the surface of the iceberg.]  
MURRIT: >([i don’t know if... if anything is going to work anymore.]  
MURRIT: >([i really wish i knew what’s ahead of us on the road.]  
ELLSEE: And I wish I had answΣrs for you. WΣ can kΣΣp talking, if it hΣlps any.  
ELLSEE: You can tΣll mΣ whatΣvΣr you want. DoΣsn’t ΣvΣn havΣ to bΣ rΣlatΣd to our situation.  
ELLSEE: BΣcausΣ I madΣ a promisΣ I’d listΣn, and I’m just as stubborn as you arΣ. I won’t go anywhΣrΣ.

You wrap your arm around her, too. The mortifying ordeal of being known, as you put it, is worth the risk in return for this. If only you’d learned that much sooner, right?

The two of you spend the next few days together, getting closer. Most conversations are dominated by one or the other’s long rants about things that are equally unimportant and casual, but you find that either way, both of you are intent on listening. There’s that warm feeling again. You feel it constantly. There’s less grief to push on it, and considerably so — as it turns out, getting to vent your pain is actually helpful. Even though you haven’t exactly figured out what to do to fix yourself.

It’s a slow process, she tells you. It takes time. The mention of time worries you for a second, your heart skipping a beat, until you realize the three day cycle ended hours ago in your sleep. She was right. It doesn’t really come as much of a surprise.

You kick yourself for not noticing, and then again for spending all those loops wallowing and refusing to reach out. She tells you it isn’t completely your fault, that you just had that philosophy branded into your skin. You wish you could give her credit where credit is due, but you’re not quite at that stage yet. There’s some ways to go before you’ll be better at those sorts of things.

You’re worried about talking to everyone else. You don’t know how they’re going to react to you not being... like you were before. It might be a while until you’re ready to take another leap of faith, so to speak. Staying in this particular comfort zone feels much safer.

You head back home after staying around with her for another night. Your hive needs some brightening up, you think. Even before now, it’s always been a visibly depressed sight for sore eyes. You get your act together, again. Somewhat. Your place looks livable after only a night or two of reorganization. It still, of course, has your old obnoxious flair to it, but you’re not exactly one to give up on an aesthetic so quickly.

You haven’t spoken to anyone in a few nights, aside from her. Confiding in her is one of the only things you don’t feel scared to do anymore. You’re glad to have someone like that. 

Only when the discomfort of withdrawal overcomes the fear of being around others do you finally decide to say something. The group seems welcoming enough, and you’ve become considerably more reserved — though you might’ve always been like that on the inside. There’s no way of knowing now. Ellsee ends up finishing a lot of your sentences, elaborating on things you can’t find the words for. You do the same for her, sometimes. Neither of you talk about the time loops. But you... don’t need to. It’s no longer a threat to your sanity.

You haven’t told Dismas how you feel yet. You think it’ll be a long time before you get to that point. But you’ve toned down on the overcompensation you were doing before, and you think he’s getting the hints. If there were such a thing as devoted casualty, that’d be the only way to describe your relationship with him. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he loved you back. Oh well.

Just like that, it seems, you’ve taken the first step up.


End file.
